NEW MANDATORY HR POLICY [HUMOR]
TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: HUMAN RESOURCES
SUBJECT: HR POLICY
From this day forward, without exception, the following Human Resources policies will be in effect.
DRESS CODE
We suggest you dress according to your pay grade. If we see you in designer shoes, or with a designer handbag, we will assume you are financially well off, therefore you do not require a raise. If you dress below your means, then we will assume you need to learn how to manage your money better in order to afford a more appropriate quality of clothing, thus due to your poor financial management you are not in need of a raise. If you dress right down the middle then you are just where you need to be so you do not need a pay increase.
SICK LEAVE
From now on doctor’s notices will not be acceptable proof that you were out sick. If you can go to the doctor’s office then you can come to work.
SURGERY
All surgery is prohibited. While you work here, you need all your organs. We hired you intact, and that is how we intend to keep you. If you remove something that constitutes a violation of our labor agreement, and if you add a prosthesis, implant, or any other part, they will be considered company assets and upon termination of your employment shall be returned to us.
PERSONAL LEAVE
All employees receive 104 personal days throughout the year. These are called Saturday and Sunday. VACATIONAll employees shall take their vacation time during the same days each year. You are allowed 11 vacation days to be taken as follows: Jan. 1, Jan. 19, Feb. 16, May 25, July 4, Sep. 7, Oct. 12, Nov. 11, Nov. 26, Dec. 25, and Dec. 31.
BERIEVEMENT LEAVE
Grief is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for your friends, family, or colleagues who have deceased. In special cases, if your presence at a funeral is absolutely required, you may plan to attend a funeral after work hours if you make arrangements to skip your lunch break so that you may leave an hour early so long as you have completed your work duties for the day.
ABENTEEISM DUE TO YOUR DEATH
This is an acceptable excuse for missing work. However, you are required to provide two weeks’ notice as it is your responsibility to train your replacement.
BATHROOM BREAKS
Too much time is being wasted in the restroom. Moving forward we will utilize a practical alphabetical order for attending to your biological duties. For example, employee’s who’s last name begins with the letter A may go at 8am, those with the letter B at 8:30am and henceforth. If you are unable to go at your appointed time please hold it until the following day. Alternately, if requested from your supervisor in writing, you may trade places with a colleague.In addition there will be a limit of three minutes per visit to the toilet. At the end of those three minutes the toilet paper will disappear into the dispenser, the stall door will open, and your photo will be taken. After two violations your photo will be exhibited in the company billboard under the category “Chronic Transgressors.”
LUNCH BREAKS
Underweight people will have 30 minutes for lunch since they need to eat a bit more to get healthy. People of average size will have 15 minutes for lunch so they can have a balanced meal and thus maintain their figure. Overweight people will be allowed only 5 minutes as that is how long it takes to swallow a diet pill with your slim fast.
Thank you for your dedication to The Company. We are here to provide you a sustaining and positive employment experience. Should you have any questions, comments or concerns, or if you wish to voice your complaints or frustrations, please direct them elsewhere.
Sincerely,
Human Resources Management
